After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
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Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
it be like that
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*