@PleaseBeGneiss

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

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@markydoodoo

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

@OakHill_

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

@AsaAkira

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

@IamJackBoot

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

@robdelaney

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

@CynicalTherapi1

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

@Quartzjixler

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.