@markydoodoo
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
@PleaseBeGneiss
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
You Might Also Like
@markydoodoo
@OakHill_
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
@AsaAkira
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
@TheBoydP
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
@colesprouse
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
@IamJackBoot
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
@robdelaney
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
@CynicalTherapi1
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
@Quartzjixler
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.