Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
You Might Also Like
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
c’mon!
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no