Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
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Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker