@peachesanscream

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”

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@ChipKellysBalls

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

@GrantTanaka

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

@MavenofHonor

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

@daveexplosm

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

@TheMichaelRock

Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.

@SamGrittner

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

@kevinseccia

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

@SatansTongue

*Ohio State coach*
Boys, I know how we’re gonna beat the Oregon Ducks
“How coach”
With our secret weapon
*pulls out a loaf of bread*

@captainkalvis

dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius

executive: ok

creator: who hates his sister

executive: is that it?

creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has

executive: SOLD

@robots_feel

[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse