WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
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January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
*Ohio State coach*
Boys, I know how we’re gonna beat the Oregon Ducks
With our secret weapon
*pulls out a loaf of bread*
dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius
creator: who hates his sister
executive: is that it?
creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has
[guy who’s about to invent parties]
*drinking alone* i wish this was worse