Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
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So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/