Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.



INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.

ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*

INTERVIEWER: holy shit


College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.


The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.


Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.


do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy


Sneezed while doing sign language and accidentally threw up a gang sign. 17 drug lords are chasing me down the street. Send help.


in marvel’s DEFENDERS, our heroes must combine their powers – being good at punching, punching people well, having strong punches, good punc


Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL


The best people always leave this Earth too soon…so I’m pretty sure I’m destined for immortality.