@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

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@SirEviscerate

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

@JohnLyonTweets

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

@jackiembouvier

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

@Sarcasticsapien

So many people are worried that The Walking Dead could happen and I’m over here terrified that Idiocracy is actually happening.

@UnFitz

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

@iamspacegirl

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

@Dustinkcouch

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

@ThugRaccoons

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?