@Dutch_50

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

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@KentWGraham

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

@moonstruckinnyc

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

@funflaps

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

@daddydoubts

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

@ClichedOut

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

@RickAaron

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

@TylerActually

You know, gas prices really aren’t that bad when you consider that you’re essentially buying dinosaurs in liquid form.