@Dutch_50

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

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@hippieswordfish

*2 pieces of bread being held hostage*
bread 1: any way you slice it we’re toast
bread 2: we’re dead wheat

me: did my breakfast just talk

@rockymomax

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

@notmythirdrodeo

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

@MissHavisham

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

@awkwardwit

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

@Mr_Kapowski

“The first mechanic lied to you”

– Every 2nd opinion mechanic

@omgthatspunny

If a dog has puppies in a public place, can they be arrested for littering?

@Sweet_Me_73

Did you “ask” me or “axe” me?

Because seriously……

one is murder.