Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

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PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.


My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese


best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook


My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.


Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.


I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.


You know, gas prices really aren’t that bad when you consider that you’re essentially buying dinosaurs in liquid form.