[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
You Might Also Like
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.