@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

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@coolauntV

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

@zachreinert03

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

@CharmandBrains

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

@truegritrumble

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

@UncleDuke1969

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

@brunopieroni

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

@Book_Krazy

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

@humanaaron

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

@EwdatsGROSS

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.