Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
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A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Venn
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”