@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

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@avxlanche

me: mom i like this person from twitter

mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD

@Cheeseboy22

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

@AlisonChrista

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

@Darlainky

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

@molly7anne

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine ūüėČ

@pittdave13

Handing out samples at Costco:
‚ÄúThese are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they‚Äôre really popular right now‚ÄĚ

@Home_Halfway

DATE’S FATHER: What business do you have with my daughter
ME: Oh this isn’t a work thing, we’re gonna watch a movie and smooch all night

@TheToddWilliams

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word‚Ķstupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one