Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
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Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
For the ones in the back.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual