@amazymay72x
no, dont go there
dont touch that
no, leave it alone
keep your hands off!
a typical morning with my 3yo (or pissed off with my husband)
@handsock_butts
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
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@amazymay72x
@SharkJelly
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
@InkedUpKidder
My favorite Jobs:
1. Blow
2. Steve
@dumbbeezie
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
@EllaZee5
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
@markydoodoo
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
@trumpetcake
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
@Derpey
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.
@mixedgrass
If a British guy caught his wife cheating he’d probably be like “right. what’s all this then”
@lisaxy424
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.