@djdarrellripley

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

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@FABrezebabe

*does coke*
*has unprotected sex*
*smokes cigarettes*
“oh haha no I don’t drink soda because it’s bad for you”

@capnwatsisname

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

@kylebuchanan

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

@ArfMeasures

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

@HomeWithPeanut

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

@Xoolun

My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house.

My wife was furious.

@sarcasm_inc

[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it

@Manda_like_wine

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: