Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
You Might Also Like
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.