Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
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What an awful time to have common sense.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Mornin
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
There are no pants in heaven.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”