Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
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the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy