Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
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I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!