I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: ok reese’s eggs
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ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
He-Man wasn’t gay. He was just uninterested in Teela and was very good friends with a man named Fisto.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.