@CaucasianJames

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

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@TheSharona06

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

@daemonic3

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

@kumailn

He-Man wasn’t gay. He was just uninterested in Teela and was very good friends with a man named Fisto.

@truegritrumble

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

@Fickle_Filly

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

@briangaar

[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY

@ElleOhHell

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

@Prof_Hinkley

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

@WilliamAder

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.