Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
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Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*