DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
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Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.