cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
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Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.