@TheHatStore

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

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@MAngelo505

My doctor says I should lose 10 lbs and work out more. But why? Spanx launched a men’s line.

@3sunzzz

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

@hippieswordfish

[day 38 on the ark]
NOAHS WIFE: we’re out of food
NOAH: don’t worry, i have a contingency plan
UNICORN: why are u lookin at me like that

@PoshTick

gf: house hunting is so boring

me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it

@maebemarbles

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

@GensPlace

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

@Rollinintheseat

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

@louieresang

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

@waouwwaouw

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’