doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
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Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The best shot in the history of golf
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”