doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

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My doctor says I should lose 10 lbs and work out more. But why? Spanx launched a men’s line.


I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.


[day 38 on the ark]
NOAHS WIFE: we’re out of food
NOAH: don’t worry, i have a contingency plan
UNICORN: why are u lookin at me like that


gf: house hunting is so boring

me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it


I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.


I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.


I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?


You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.


can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’