Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
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“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
S M O L
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”