Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
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Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
You’re so fake, even China denied they made you.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?