@rebrafsim

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

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@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

@aotakeo

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

@MelvinofYork

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

@HomeWithPeanut

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

@itsallbollocks

Cinderella’s my favourite story about a kingdom where no two people have the same size foot

@BullenRoss

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

@Brianhopecomedy

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*