Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
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Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.