an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
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*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Sure sex is great but have you ever had someone cancel plans with you right before you were about to cancel?
Lady Gaga got engaged on Valentine’s Day with a heart-shaped ring, indicating her fiance shares her love for bold originality.
@mo87mo87 Very recently sent an email to my manager Mariana, addressing her as marinara.
Also in a separate email written in French, I meant to sign off with “à très vite” meaning “see you soon”
Instead I wrote “à très bite” which roughly translates to “very dick”
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]