@PleaseBeGneiss
@huntigula
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
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@huntigula
@MaryJustice86
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
@Parkerlawyer
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
@Swishergirl24
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
@PajamaBen_
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
@kimtopher22
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
@gingerfaced
Sure sex is great but have you ever had someone cancel plans with you right before you were about to cancel?
@WGladstone
Lady Gaga got engaged on Valentine’s Day with a heart-shaped ring, indicating her fiance shares her love for bold originality.
@givemeyourbagel
@mo87mo87 Very recently sent an email to my manager Mariana, addressing her as marinara.
Also in a separate email written in French, I meant to sign off with “à très vite” meaning “see you soon”
Instead I wrote “à très bite” which roughly translates to “very dick”
@Reverend_Scott
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]