@PleaseBeGneiss

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

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@huntigula

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

@MaryJustice86

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

@Parkerlawyer

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

@Swishergirl24

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

@PajamaBen_

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

@gingerfaced

Sure sex is great but have you ever had someone cancel plans with you right before you were about to cancel?

@WGladstone

Lady Gaga got engaged on Valentine’s Day with a heart-shaped ring, indicating her fiance shares her love for bold originality.

@givemeyourbagel

@mo87mo87 Very recently sent an email to my manager Mariana, addressing her as marinara.

Also in a separate email written in French, I meant to sign off with “à très vite” meaning “see you soon”

Instead I wrote “à très bite” which roughly translates to “very dick”

@Reverend_Scott

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]