DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
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*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot