doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
You Might Also Like
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
umm…
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.