doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

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Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.


ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”


My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.


“Creepy DM: I want to shave your legs.
Me: Ew”

On reflection this would have been a real time saver.

If you’re reading this, call me?


How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl


Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.


I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.


*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac


[invention of kissing]
WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth


captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol