Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

idk what this dog had been going through but same

me adding lol on a serious message

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me