doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
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Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
#merica
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity