doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
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she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.