Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

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Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol


BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.


Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming


I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good


If opposites attract than why do women with clothes on always run away from me?


You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.



ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here