I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
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Good thing they specify all our brushes. Differentiating things like toothbrush from toilet brush can get confusing.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
2007 social media: wow connected with an old friend from high school
2017 social media: the cheese smoked gouda is linked to racism
I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that spider monkeys are not half spider half monkey
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.