@onion_an

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

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@Darlainky

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

@Dutch_50

Good thing they specify all our brushes. Differentiating things like toothbrush from toilet brush can get confusing.

@Maxine12333

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

@sah_nursemom

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

@lecalabara

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

@faizziy

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

@AJslackie2

2007 social media: wow connected with an old friend from high school

2017 social media: the cheese smoked gouda is linked to racism

@ThaJawn

I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that spider monkeys are not half spider half monkey

@ArtIsMyPorn

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.