Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
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BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
“Are you ok?” “No, I’m bleeding because its fun.”
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
“Excuse me waiter, can I have a fork?”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
If opposites attract than why do women with clothes on always run away from me?
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
GOD: We NEVER use that word here