Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
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ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
this isn’t threatening at all
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier: