@AdamBroud

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

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@Jay1972Jay

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

@MOONEM0Jl

aliens probably ride pass earth and lock their doors

@ShineMyShit

[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: i’m a big fan of your work

@ThatThunderMan

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

@yoyoha

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

@northcoastkevin

My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.

@TheBoydP

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

@donni

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

@Midgetspar

I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.

@joe_binkley

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.