Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
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5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.