Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
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aliens probably ride pass earth and lock their doors
[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: i’m a big fan of your work
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.
*spins in circles*
*gets stuck in corner*
*spins in circle*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.