Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

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Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.


aliens probably ride pass earth and lock their doors


[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: i’m a big fan of your work


“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza


“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing


My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.


*spins in circles*


*gets stuck in corner*


*spins in circle*


[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]


You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person


I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.


My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.