doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
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They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue