Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

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The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.


“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.


actors kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don’t fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 5 months


When mom returned from the store, her son had found a box of animal crackers. He spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. “What are you doing?” his mom asked. “The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy says. “I’m looking for the seal.”


DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.


interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing


I joined snapchat yesterday; apparently my phone doesn’t die fast enough for my liking.


I get my best cardio at the grocery store because I never make a list

And back to isle 3 and repeat


The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)