Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
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My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
we did it you guys we saved daylight
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time