5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
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New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you