doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?