doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

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Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here


“Millennials are so entitled!”
Aye well I don’t see 20-somethings screaming for the manager because their coupon expired a month ago, Janet


Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?


Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*


If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.


Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.


Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.


I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?


If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.


HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.