@stevevsninjas

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

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@BraandoCommando

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

@LiamDrydenEtc

“Millennials are so entitled!”
Aye well I don’t see 20-somethings screaming for the manager because their coupon expired a month ago, Janet

@CulturedRuffian

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

@sip_at_home_mom

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

@ceejoyner

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

@Smiilze

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

@Sarcasmo718

I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?

@MrPudmansButler

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

@Jake_Vig

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.