doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
You Might Also Like
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*