doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
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Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
OMG 🤣🤣
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation