Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
You Might Also Like
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
When someone trying to leave me
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit