If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
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*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job