Dating tip: find a guy with a compatible charger.
doctor: you’re gonna need to take probiotics
me: oh i don’t think i can afford that
doctor: don’t worry, there are lower cost options
me: ah, yes. amateur biotics
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90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.