Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

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I can’t wait to find out what new undeleteable apps that I don’t want will be on the new iPhone.


Boyfriend planted watermelon seedlings in our garden. I just bought a watermelon to put beside his plant before he wakes up tomorrow.


I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.


Am *I* rich? Ha. Well let’s just say I told my Uber driver she could order something from Taco Bell too if she wanted.


Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.


*worm surgeon beside worm in hospital bed.”
Doc:” Surgery went good but the floor was slippery and long story short you have a son now.”


*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.


Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.


we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul


Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn’t make me clean.