Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
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“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Cardio Made Easy
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.