Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
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Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
yeah not falling for this one
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter