Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
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I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Well well well…
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.