doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
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my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
When your parents check you’re ok.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
This probably isn’t good