I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
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A fun game to play when you’re lonely is “passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child”
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
We’ve burned through Netflix so tonight we’re opening a bottle wine and watching a fork in the microwave.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I’m watching a first date in a cafe, she says her favorite fruits are cherries or strawberries, and he nods knowingly and says “red fruits”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild