@chuuew

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

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@squirrel74wkgn

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

@jazmasta

A fun game to play when you’re lonely is “passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child”

@OilCan314

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

@IamJackBoot

We’ve burned through Netflix so tonight we’re opening a bottle wine and watching a fork in the microwave.

@danjan13

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

@benpershing

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

@notreallysophie

I’m watching a first date in a cafe, she says her favorite fruits are cherries or strawberries, and he nods knowingly and says “red fruits”

@MariyaAlexander

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.