DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

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I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.


A fun game to play when you’re lonely is “passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child”


I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.


We’ve burned through Netflix so tonight we’re opening a bottle wine and watching a fork in the microwave.


Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat


Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”


I’m watching a first date in a cafe, she says her favorite fruits are cherries or strawberries, and he nods knowingly and says “red fruits”


Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.