Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
You Might Also Like
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Mornin
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”