Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
You Might Also Like
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.