Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

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“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs


Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.


My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened


i won 100 dollars worth of chips at the casino, all i had to do was throw a brick through the vending machine glass


Mail some pirates a treasure map leading to the exact spot where you need a hole dug for a tree.


If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.


Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want


Quaker Oats: We need a food that will mutilate children’s mouths.

Cap’n Crunch: say no more


I’m always creeped out by the guy who seems to know the age of consent laws a little too well.


A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.