@TweetPotato314

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

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@NYC_Blonde

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

@KenJennings

Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.

@_ACasso

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

@wolfpupy

i won 100 dollars worth of chips at the casino, all i had to do was throw a brick through the vending machine glass

@duplicitron

Mail some pirates a treasure map leading to the exact spot where you need a hole dug for a tree.

@CVTBaby

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

@ilovepie84

Quaker Oats: We need a food that will mutilate children’s mouths.

Cap’n Crunch: say no more

@SteelFontana

I’m always creeped out by the guy who seems to know the age of consent laws a little too well.

@ibid78

A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.