DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
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Do robots dream of electric sheep?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department