[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
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I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Duck typos.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
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After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆