@Book_Krazy

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

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@Parentpains

Whenever I’m on twitter I always turn my phone upside down to try and collect spare change from your pockets.

@envydatropic

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

@ArfMeasures

ME: *realises I’ve just stepped on an ant* oh no

JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?

ME: OH NO

@BGH70

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

@krisv_723

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

@KyleMcDowell86

*buys roofies, slips then into girlfriends drink, plays video games for 8 hours straight in peace and quiet*

@Carbosly

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

@JaneBadall

The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.

@Talkinghands69

Come close…

Closer…

Look deeply into my eyes and tell me what you see…

Is it an eyelash? Seriously, help me out, it’s killing me.