Whenever I’m on twitter I always turn my phone upside down to try and collect spare change from your pockets.
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
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Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
ME: *realises I’ve just stepped on an ant* oh no
JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?
ME: OH NO
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
*buys roofies, slips then into girlfriends drink, plays video games for 8 hours straight in peace and quiet*
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.
Look deeply into my eyes and tell me what you see…
Is it an eyelash? Seriously, help me out, it’s killing me.