[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
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I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.