[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
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Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.