@coolidiot2000

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

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@MNateShyamalan

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

@dlicj

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

@RichBeingRich

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

@abbycohenwl

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

@boredbostonian

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

@deeeebag

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

@JohnFugelsang

My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.

@TheAlexNevil

*speed dating
Me (on phone): Okay, I’ll ask. (to date) My mom wants to know if you can drive me home.