[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

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“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus


looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam


My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.


Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over


I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.


I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.


My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.


*speed dating
Me (on phone): Okay, I’ll ask. (to date) My mom wants to know if you can drive me home.