I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
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Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
best review i’ve ever seen
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine